I'm getting a little paranoid about driving my car, thanks to my mother and mother-in-law.
God love 'em both, but in the name of keeping me safe, they're turning me into a panic attacked mess.
Now, according to their latest forwarded chain-email-presumably-"approved"-by-Snopes, the latest is that I need to be careful about how I lock my car. Ne'er do wells are presumably in the vicinity, just waiting for me to lock my car so that they can enter a secret code on some high-falutin' technical device (this sounds like something off of some Saturday morning cartoon) so that they can steal the contents of my stylin' ride, a Chevy HHR in bad need of a bath because of all the brine and salt from the winter roads.
Well, criminal-looking-up-new-crime-schemes-via-email, you've hit the jackpot in terms of stuff to steal in my car. No laptops or iPods here. Nope. Up for grabs in my car is this morning's leftover coffee, a pair of broken sunglasses, and my deceased grandfather's sport jackets still waiting to go to the thrift shop but enjoying a joyride into eternity. (The man died over six months ago; a psychologist would probably have a field day theorizing that this means I am clinging to my childhood, not wanting to admit my grandparents are gone. In reality, I'm just selfish about my prized coveted parking spot at work and not willing to move my car - because someone might be underneath it! or in the backseat! or might flash their headlights at me as I drive!)
Back to the hoodlums. They're after my kidneys, and are fully medically prepared to leave me catheterized in an ice-filled bathtub to get them. They want me to smell their perfume, Eau de Ether, so they can knock me unconscious (presumably to acquire my kidneys).
These miscreants are out to get me, and I know it's just a matter of time before they succeed and it will be all my disorganized fault. Because who the hell can remember all these safety tips and warnings? I'd better create some kind of cheat-sheet to keep on my dashboard. That way, all the kidney-harvesters-gang-leader-wannabees-perfumiers will know that I'm so street wise and that I'm savvy about their strategy, thanks to my vigilante mom and mother-in-law.
But I'm going to try not to be too worried about any of this. You see, mom's just emailed me a glittering angel that's promised me financial wealth and security and good luck ....
copyright 2010, Melissa (Betty and Boo's Mommy, The Betty and Boo Chronicles) If you are reading this on a blog or website other than The Betty and Boo Chronicles or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.