Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Fast Times at CIA High
I'm kind of starting to wonder if my little suburban Philadelphia high school was actually a breeding ground for the CIA.
Yeah, that CIA.
You see, it seems that we're on our SECOND national imbroglio involving the Central Intelligence Agency and a graduate of my alma mater.
According to my intelligence gathering efforts thus far, the traditional media has yet to pick up on this. An incredible coincidence, in my view, especially when one considers that Lower Moreland High School graduated (in the years in question) less than 200 students per class.
Thus, allow me to be your humble public servant. Two female graduates from the same tiny high school with connections to the CIA is ... well, let me just say that it is not every day that my hometown makes national news. (Although it has been happening with more and more disconcerting regularity.)
Our first CIA connection (that I know of, anyway) was Valerie Plame Wilson, former United States CIA Operations Officer ...and 1981 graduate of Lower Moreland High School. You'll recall that unfortunate business back in 2003 when Washington Post columnist Robert Novak named Plame in his column as a CIA operative, events which led to the end of Plame's career.
Although I grew up in Lower Moreland for almost my entire life - including the years when Plame graduated from my high school - I'd never heard of Valerie Plame before she made national news. Still, it's enough of a small town that I genuinely felt sympathetic for her as the situation unfolded. She seems bright, intelligent, the type of high-achieving person we tend to graduate in our supercharged, competitive school.
Now, remarkably, we have ANOTHER Lower Moreland alum connection to the CIA. This would seem to be the flip side. I speak, of course, about America's newest reality soap opera, As the CIA Turns. This one stars The General, The Biographer with the Snickerworthy Book Title, and The Unpaid Social Liaison (who knew that was even such a thing?) with a cameo appearance by The Shirtless FBI Agent Friend.
And you thought life would be boring after the presidential election was over.
The Unpaid Social Liaison is, as we all know by now, Jill Kelley, Lower Moreland graduate from the Class of 1993.
We owe a national debt of thanks to an unnamed ex-classmate for enlightening us on the former Jill Khawam as she was in her Lower Moreland days. Doesn't seem like much has changed, at least according to the public's perception of the woman responsible for bringing down General Petraeus et al.
Back in the day, the Social Liaison was known for hobnobbing at swanky Philadelphia restaurants and mixing with high-powered attorneys (easy to do in our town) and pining for a nose job. (There's where I feel sorry for the former Miss Khawam. That had to be horribly traumatic for her, graduating high school with the same nose she was born with.)
Of course, this is all one sided. Who knows if this unnamed ex-classmate really isn't a spurned schlub who views this as karma, as payback being a bitch for only wanting his own Private Social Liaison with Miss Khawam on the notorious hill behind our school.
Still, it makes you wonder if there really was some truth back in the day to those rumors that the CIA was accused of killing President Kennedy (speaking of someone with a history of infidelities). I mean, when the powers-that-be have enough time to amass 30,000 pages of emails from women who - c'mon already! - just need to duke it out in a good old fashioned catfight, then anything is possible.
In the meantime, since this situation is fluid and still developing, I offer a word of advice to those of you students following in our footsteps at our high school:
Make sure you give much thought as to whom you name as Most Likely to Succeed because ... well, they just might surprise you. Better yet, consider naming a Most Likely to Become a CIA Operative. Or Most Likely to Become Involved in a National Scandal with a General.
And, oh yeah. Wear a wire.
You never know. Your homeroom security just might depend on it.
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